I was born in 1980 in a tiny little town in the Sierra Nevada mountains of North Eastern California. My parents both came from fairly humble families, with my fathers side being where my families history in the Mormon church began.
Most people know who Brigham Young is. Brigham Young had a brother named Phineas. Phineas is my 4-times great grandfather on my dads side, and Phineas was responsible for presenting his brother Brigham with a copy of the Book of Mormon which Brigham proceeded to read, and ended up joining the church. Brigham, later becoming one of the prophets and presidents of the church, and becoming known (among other things) for leading the Mormon Pioneers across the US to Salt Lake City Utah where they settled.
Can you see the resemblance?
I do not know the details of my families membership or roles in the church while they were in Utah. But in 1980, I found myself born into the church. Meaning both of my parents at that point were members, and members of the church naturally raise their kids in the church whether it was something their children would have wanted for themselves or not. I do not blame them or hold any resentment whatsoever for this. They believed with every part of who they were that the church was true and that they were doing the best thing for their children.
My mother did not grow up in the church. When she was 16 years old, her brother joined the religion, and then it's my understanding that he kind of recruited his two younger sisters. So at 16 years old, my mom was baptized, and already knew my dad from their very small high school. My mom and dad were married in the Oakland California LDS Temple in 1978 when my mother was just 18 years old, and 2 years later when she was 20, she had me.
(Somewhere we have baby pictures of me, but I can't find them at the moment)
It is my intention to regularly make entries to this blog, starting at the very beginning and kind of painting a picture of my life and experiences as a trans person growing up in a Mormon family, and my eventual exodus from the Mormon religion as well as my transition as a trans woman and how it all ties together, and the incredible growth and learning that has happened along the way. I plan eventually, to compile many of these writings into a book.
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more!
The beginning: My father was born in Honolulu Hawaii to two loving Mormon parents.
(Grandpa and Grandma Herbert. Veryl and Sharon)
His father, was in the US Navy, and happened to be stationed there at the time in 1957. When my grandpa got out of the Navy, my dad's family ended up moving all over California before settling in north eastern California when my dad was about 15 years old. When he was 19, he served a mission for the LDS church in St. Louis Missouri. Prior to serving his mission, he and my mother already knew they wanted to marry when he returned. At some point, he attended BYU for a short time, but did not obtain any degrees. While at BYU, he met another student by the name of Larell. He liked the name, so when I was born, they decided to name me LaRell.
My mother was born in the same tiny little town I was, in North Eastern California. Her father was also in the US Navy.
( My Grandma Joyce, and Grandpa Clayton )
Neither of her parents were religious at all, and both drank a lot, and my mother relates that many times as a child, she was left at home alone while her parents disappeared to the bar for hours.
This among many other things, resulted in some of the issues I will discuss as we get further into my later years. But as a result, my mother grew up with little secure attachment to her parents, which translated into the same result for myself. We learn from the examples set by those who raise us, and sadly tend to pass those traits on to other generations.
My mom joined the Mormon church around 1976 at the age of 16. At a time in her life, where I can only imagine due to the emotional unavailability and abandonment by her parents and things, she was probably feeling rather lost and aimless in the world, and religion brought a sense of purpose, meaning, comfort and direction. People need to feel purpose and meaning in life. Religion tells us we have meaning and purpose and religions like the Mormon church, lay out a very clear and easy to understand path which has a tendency to bring people comfort. I would imagine that at this point in my moms teenage years, given her childhood and things, the church came as a very welcome answer to questions she may have been struggling to find answers to. It allowed her to release the personal responsibilities of life and personal growth to a higher power. I will talk much more about this concept later on, as this concept has proven to be extremely influential in the directions my life has taken in putting me in the position I am in today. And has opened my eyes to both the positive, and extremely negative aspects of religion and the detrimental effects I have learned that it can have on a persons life.
Although both of my parents had parents that were mostly loving and caring......their families could very much be described as "dysfunctional" as are many families in the world. Dysfunction tends to breed dysfunction. We learn from the example set by our caregivers. My parents learned from their parents, and I learned from mine.
In 1980, my parents had been married for 2 years. It is my understanding that they had been trying to get pregnant from the moment they got together, but in 1980, it finally happened. My mothers birthday is February 14th. Valentines day. My birth was exactly 9 months later in November. :-)
When I was born, I believe my parents lived very humbly in a travel trailer. My dad was a truck driver. He started out driving dump truck for a family friend in the Mormon church. He then moved onto other forms of truck driving including driving logging truck, which I ended up following in his footsteps and doing myself at 18 years old.
My families humble existence continued for many years as we moved all over California in my early years before finally settling down when I was 12 years old. My dad was chasing jobs. My great grandpa Whitey Ihnen used to say "You gotta go where the sammiches are" or something to that affect. Meaning, you have to go where there is work. My dad went from job to job around California and Nevada working mostly in the trucking industry in one form or another with the exception of a period spent as a Nevada State Trooper with the Nevada Highway Patrol. I was about 4 years old I believe during that period. He did that for a very short period of time before leaving law enforcement and returning to the trucking industry.
Growing up, I had no stability. I learned to never trust that anything was going to remain. Everything was subject to sudden withdrawal. We did not live in any one place for more than one year basically. For the first 12 years of my life, you can name an age, and I can tell you where I was living at that age. 9 years old? Bakersfield. 4 years old? Silver Spings Nevada. 6 years old? Lindsay California and so on. I had no idea at the time, the level of insecurity I was developing from this constant change of environment.
My first memories of something being amiss about my gender: As far as I can remember, it was at about the age of 4 years old that I first remember feeling like I should have been born a girl. At this age most kids do not have an understanding of the difference between genders, but they are starting to become aware of the fact that sister is always wearing these cute frilly, soft clothes, while you are given and dressed in these more harshly colored, simple clothes. I have a distinct memory at 4 years old of putting on my moms soft flowy nightgown and loving the way it felt, but not really having any kind of understanding just yet as to why. For all I knew at that point, as a 4 year old kid, I was just a human. And at that age I don't remember even being aware that the anatomy between my legs was different. All I knew was that I liked soft feminine things and liked the way it made me feel to wear them. It felt more normal, and right.
It wasn't til I was about 5 or 6 that I have memories of really taking notice to the differences between my and my sisters bodies. Everytime I would take a bath, I would take a wash cloth and position it over that part of my body so that I did not have to see it. I recognized that I had something different between my legs that did not feel right. Yet, I was raised as a boy, and learned over time to just accept that it was there.
Many trans feminine kids tend to start expressing their gender identity at around 4 or 5 years old as they begin to reach the age of becoming aware of gender differences. I do not have any memory of outwardly expressing this part of myself, other than that one instance of wearing my mom's nightgown, but I have a suspicion that I did, and that it was quickly shut down. At 6 years old I remember getting ready to go to school, and overhearing my parents having an argument or discussion in the other room. My dad was telling my mom that she was making me like a "girl". My mother storms into my bedroom and asks "Do you feel like a girl?" I said "Yes" and she said "Well that's just great" and stormed back out of the room. And I don't remember that subject ever being brought up again. I feel as though something happened around that time of my life to instill in me an absolute fear of ever again expressing my feelings. Because it was not until 36 years later that I finally found myself in a position to "come out" and live the life I always felt I should have.
Membership in the church as a child: In the Mormon church, from birth up til about 3 years old I believe, you attend church with your mom or dad. But starting around 3 or 4 years old, you get put in the "nursery". The nursery is basically free babysitting for parents who are attending church. But as the name implies, it is where children in the Mormon church begin their indoctrination. Much like a seedling is nurtured, fed and watered, and formed into the healthy thriving fruit producing plant or tree it is destined to become, young children in the Mormon church are similarly nurtured and formed into the good, faithful tithe paying adults that makes the structure of the Mormon empire successful. As young as 3 and 4 years old they begin to be taught about God and Jesus, and Joseph Smith and taught that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and good and humble servant of the lord whom we should love and respect. They begin to be taught about the "Plan of Salvation" and what that means for their life and decisions they should make as they continue to grow in this world. They are taught that our bodies are sacred and holy like a temple and should never be defiled with piercings, tattoos, alcohol, drugs or that wicked evil substance known as "coffee".
What this does to a child, is cause them to grow up from a very young age being indoctrinated with all of the beliefs and teachings of the church. And this indocrination continues in this manner as they continue to grow up in the church, and move up to older classes where they learn more and more age appropriate information. By the time they are adults, this has been their reality for so long, that they just accept it as normal. Of course God is real and looks like a gloried white bearded grandfather with his almost identical son Jesus on his right hand who are watching us from a planet called "Kolob".
At the age of 12 years old, the boys in the church are given the Aaronic priesthood, which gives them the "authority" to administer certain priesthood ordinances. One of those, being the passing of the sacrament. Which is bread crumbles together with little cups of water which you eat, and drink in rememberance of the "savior" and the covenants we made at baptism....at 8 years old....when everyone knows we were more than old enough to make decisions concerning our eternal destiny.
Oh, and did I mention the girls in the church are not allowed to participate in any priesthood ordinances.
This was always interesting for me. Being trans and identifying as a female that was having to live a lie my entire life. I always wanted to be with the girls. But I was told I was a boy, and just fell into my assigned role as a male in the church. I received the Aaronic priesthood, office of Deacon at 12 years old, then proceeded to the office of “Priest” at 16 years old which now allowed me to “Bless” the sacrament. For many boys growing up in the church, this is some of their first “public speaking” experiences. You are kneeling behind a table at the front of the chapel, with the entire congregation watching and listening as you stumble through reciting the “sacrament prayers” exactly word for word. When you are done, you turn and look at the Bishop, who either gives an affirming nod that you did it correctly, or gestures that you messed up and need to do it again. This usually causes you to become flustered, and proceed to screw up again, and again. You are typically only required to repeat it 3 times. If you still get it wrong the third time, you proceed to administer the sacrament to the congregation, and have to live with the embarrassment of knowing everyone in the church just watched you mess up.
I never liked wearing the white shirts, ties and slacks that the boys and men in the church are expected to wear. I was always drawn to the skirts and dresses that the women and girls got to wear.
Mission:
Growing up in the church, from a very young age, you are taught that one of the greatest things you could do, is to serve a mission for the church. Missions for the males are 2 years long, and they are eligible to serve when 18 years old (was 19 when I went).
The girls in the church serve 18 month long missions, and they are not eligible to serve until 21 I believe. This is not without design. You see….in the Mormon church….the greatest goal of the church is to increase tithe payers. The Mormon church is a business. A corporation of sorts whose express purpose is to grow wealth. And they do this, by recruiting, baptizing, and retaining as many tithe paying members as possible. Members are instructed that it is God’s commandment that they are to pay 10 percent of their income. Members are told that God has provided you with everything you have, it is perfectly reasonable for him to ask for just 10 percent in return. The problem is, the Mormon church was organized by a crook. A liar. A thief. A cheat. A man who was very clever at designing and implementing scams. The Mormon church is his greatest achievement and legacy on this earth. It is very cleverly constructed so as to keep its members feeling obligated to paying tithing. Tithing being the life force of the churches existence. That tithing has then been invested and grown to where recent forthcomings indicate that the church may be sitting on a massive wealth worth 100 Billion dollars. While countless struggling families in the church are on the brink of total financial devastation, they continue to pay 10 percent of the tiny amount of money they have, with the promise that they will receive blessings from heaven if they do. When money suddenly shows up from somewhere, these families are convinced that it is a sign, and that this principle of being blessed for paying tithing is true! So this perpetuates the cycle.
Recruiting members is a huge part of the success of Mormon Inc. Sending missionaries out into the world is one way of recruiting members. Using fear, shame and guilt, is the means by which members are retained. This also keeps members faithfully paying their tithing.
As I mentioned, at 19 years old, I myself served a 2 year long mission for the church. I was taught my entire life that it was just expected of me that I serve. It was never really even considered an option not to. For most of my life in fact, I grew up thinking that I HAD to serve a mission. I was told as a child, that you could not enter the highest degree of glory (more on this later) without serving a mission. So I grew up my entire childhood knowing that was the ultimate goal. It is common within the church when a young man is growing up, for many of the members to continuously remind you of your duty to serve a mission. And it is painted out to be one of the most incredible things you could do in life. This sets you up to just accept that when you turn 18 or 19, that is what you will be doing at that age.
As I mentioned earlier, girls in the church are not able to serve until they are older. Regardless of the fact that we all know that females mature faster than males do. The reason being, that the church is hoping that the young women in the church will get married in that time between graduating high school and reaching the age where they are eligible to serve. The more women who get married early and start pumping out babies as fast as possible, the more future tithe payers are generated. And tithe payers who grow up indoctrinated in the church, are far more likely to accept it, and stick with it for life, than those who missionaries might recruit. And therefore, women are by design discouraged from serving missions, in the hopes that they will instead get married young, while they are still able to produce as many babies as possible, who will grow up to be faithful tithe payers, and therefore continuing Joseph Smith’s legacy and massive empire for many generations to come. Members of the church are encouraged to have as many children as possible. It is taught that the reason for this, is that there are a finite number of souls in heaven who need to receive physical bodies on this earth in order to receive exaltation. However….as I have discussed, the actual purpose is for the generation of tithe payers and the future financial security of the Mormon corporation.